I have tried to write you this letter for a while. All summer and most of the fall, basically. Forgive me if it is therefore a bit rambling. I was also a bit nervous about writing it because the last time I wrote a letter to someone not related to me it did not end well.

The main reason I am writing you this letter is because I need answers. Closure, you could call it if you were so inclined. I don't know if you remember how we met and the original direction our relationship was going to take. Sometimes I wonder if, had we hooked up when we wer going to, whether that would have led to anything more. When we met in January 2009 (or was it December 2008?) our relationship was going to be focused on 1 thing: sex. Who knows what would have happened if we had slept together when we were planning to.

I'll be honest with you. I was nervous about that. Not for lack of interest in or attraction to you, but it had been a while since I had an opportunity to sleep with anyone. And also unlike the last person I might have slept with (if we'd stayed together longer), you and I were not dating or considering dating or at all an item. You were -you are- one of the few women I'd even consider sleeping with since I moved to DC 4 years ago. (The other one was way too young.) 

It's at this point I should also admit that I secretly wanted our relationship to be about more than just sex. I've always been intrigued by the idea of friends-with-benefits. And who knows, maybe we could have had something along those lines. Along with wanting to be more than friends (or fuck-buddies) with you from the beginning, when we first met I needed to be with someone. With a woman, although who knows; perhaps if things had happened differently I'd be writing this to a dude. You made me want -really want, which I hadn't wanted for a while- to sleep with someone again. I suppose there's also the fact that I was single - and still am, in case you're wondering, which you probably aren't- and wanted to have sex on MY terms, which may or may not have included being in a relationship. I get depressed rather frequently, and when that happens I often also get lonely.

And there's the fact that all throughout the spring and late winter of 2009 I was chasing someone who was not only not interested, he was also - I realized later- a complete jackass. I suppose part of why I was oh so interested in you was that you could have provided a distraction to his extreme asshattery. And I could have -and probably should have- gotten to know YOU better instead of being friends so awkwardly with him. And there was the fact that he he is more than a little homophobic; we have a mutual friend who had a girlfriend for most of the time we were friends. He always brought them up. It drove me crazy. I would secretly have liked to flaunt whatever was going on with you and maybe -if this was possible- remove his head from his ass.

I don't know if you remember me emailing you a year ago to see if you were still interested. I was not expecting you to write back at all, let alone to say that you were still at least interested.

It is because of you that I a) know where SOHO is and b) have been there. I have a theory about that place: I think it is cursed. And why do I say this? Because not one of the times we had plans to meet there did it happen. I'm not saying YOU are cursed, since we did hang out eventually.

I would also like to note at this point that - and this was back in June- I had a lot of fun that night we stayed at your place and watched Monsters Versus Aliens and Amelia. (I realized later that Amelia was awful, but that's not the point.) Part of me also still wonders what -if anything- would have happened if I had stayed at your place that night. I wish I had, honestly. Would we have hooked up ? Would we have shared the same bed or would I have slept in the living room? (You don't have to answer that. I assumed we'd have shared a bed but who knows. It would have been your decision.) 

You might also be wondering why I was so intent on sending you that postcard, the one you thanked me for sending you later. I'd say it's 'cuz you're cool enough to deserve a postcard. And that is true. But it's only part of the reason. I also wanted to send it because by this point I had started (or perhaps completely by now) falling for you. (The postcard I wrote in my head sasid something along the lines of Lake Superior being beautiful but not as beautiful as you. My brother stole that and wrote it on a postcard to his now ex-girlfriend. It made me ecstatic that you not only got it but acknowledged getting it and thanked me for it. How would you have reacted if I had sent you the postcard saying you were (are) more beautiful than Lake Superior? IS there any situation in which you would send someone else a similar postcard? (Someone else of course being me.) You're probably wondering when I started falling for you. I'm not sure, but definitely by mid-summer. Whenever I hear "Falling In" -or, more recently, "It is What It Is" by Lifehouse I think of you.) How surprised are you, really? I'm guessing not surprised. You can be honest. When you asked if I wanted to stay over at your place that night in JUne it felt like that should have been when we started being more than friends. I mean I was maybe- going to share a bed with you.

While I fell for you a while ago I did have some doubts. Mainly they were about how (most of the time, but not always) whenever we had plans they fell through and for whatever reason you never showed up. I never acted on how I felt becaues I couldn't help but wonder if, if we got together, you'd also stand me up then too. (I hope not.) I am aware that earlier in the fall you had some stuff going on. I still have that picture you sent me of your cat.

It also didn't completely help when we became Facebook friends. I do (and did) enjoy having another way to reach you and finding out that we have mutual friends (although I knew that already, as I looked you up on Facebook right after we first met.) However, I was less than thrilled to discover you were by then not single. I don't know if you remember when you asked about my Yahoo! Messenger status. It had to do with my love life. Specifically it had to do with YOU. Yes, you. See, I had by this point discovered that you were probably not single anymore (assuming you ever were). I was going by your Facebook page, which was not entirely helpful. I did want to tell you this eventually, but as usual whenever I made plans to do so they fell through. So I kind of gave up on it. You should know that were we eer to end up together I wouldn't give up on that. Not at all.

You should also know that when I finally came out to my parents last year (last winter) they asked if I was "seeing someone" and I hinted that I hoped I'd end up with you very soon. That brings me to the question of how you identify (orientation-wise). While you're giving me some clue of how you feel about me, could you also give me a clue about that? 

I still haven't given up on us. Part of me wants you to leave whoever you're with now (now's a good time to tell me if you're single) and hook up with/date me instead. Part of me also wants you to confess that you've wanted to aske me out for a while, although I get the feeling that that isn't likely.

Even with everything that didn't happen between us, I hope we can still be friends. I wasn't expecting you to text me back last night, and nit was quite hope-instilling that you did. Maybe before we stay friends (or friends-with-benefits, if you prefer) we should hook up already.